#sistabriefen – Stories of sexism in the world of agencies

I’ve been working at different agencies (PR/Communication/Web) for several years now and in light of #sistabriefen: Women in the industry in Sweden signing up to stand united and ask clients and agencies to demand equality and put an end to sexual harassment, marginalization and discrimination, I would just like to tell some of my own experiences and stories in this world.

First of all, I never really thought about working in marketing or at agencies before I actually started, it was more of a coincidence, one of those “being at the right place in the right time” things: While in Oslo for a photo project I met a friends’ brothers’ partner who worked at an agency that happened to be looking for some part-time help with a project managing photos, and I figured I could earn some experience and cash after my last employment as a photographer. What was supposed to be a 2 week job turned into months, which turned into a full time job, which eventually turned into my first promotion as a Production manager. This journey was no thanks to the CEO of the company, who I still think to this day is one of the biggest arseholes I’ve ever, so far, encountered. No, this was due to colleagues, especially one senior developer who saw my potential and competence, and basically persuaded the CEO to promote me. Even though I myself had sent my CV to the boss at least 4 times during the first year I worked there, I am pretty sure he never actually read it.

It’s difficult now, so many years later, to recount all the subtle incidents and remarks I experienced there, I was young and new to that world, still trying to figure out my place in it. I remember getting the work that nobody else wanted, shit tasks basically, even though I was far more educated than say another colleague who was the same age as me and hadn’t even finished her first degree while I was working on my third while also working there, but still had a better position (to be fair, she was in a relationship with one of the owners so… I guess that counts for more). I remember being hit on at the first office party I ever went to by a client who must have been twice my age. I remember the male-dominated tone of the place, the locker-roomish atmosphere. I remember talking about these things with other female colleagues who also felt troubled and frustrated. I also remember being called “cocky” and “tough” right before I was laid off for reasons I can only assume were personal and not based on my work, skills or anything else that should matter. Oh well. Even though it stung, I was glad to be out of that place.

Later I was head-hunted by another agency, which in hindsight did give me some pause before accepting the offer seeing as I was the only woman working there when I started: warning signs that I chose to disregard, thinking that I could manage on my own and inspire some change. And sure, I did change some things and at first my efficiency and ambition was a welcoming force according to my closest boss. Nonetheless, being the only woman (and a strong and opinionated one at that) where the majority of the men working there were scared of conflict and thought discussions meant fights, well, it soon became quite tricky and frustrating. I remember one instance where we had an e-mail thread among some colleagues discussing ideas for our new site. One colleague in the SEO department tried pushing for an idea which basically only involved SEO and was frankly not that good in terms of design and UX, something that I of course tried to put forth after also discussing it with our senior designer (who agreed with me). I explained that I didn’t think the idea was that good and tried to get him to understand why, but instead he went on the offence, personally attacking me because I “obviously did not understand SEO”. I maintained my composure and stuck to the original point concerning the idea and then the discussion abruptly ended. A few days later one of the owners came by and asked to see me in the conference room. I had no idea what it was about but he told me that the e-mail discussion was just not OK, that I had handled it poorly. He said: You are like a bulldozer, you just run everybody over! And I couldn’t help thinking: “If I were a white man in my 30ies like the rest of you, would we be having this exact conversation right now? I fucking doubt it.” I asked him how on earth I was the one being punished for the discussion when it was the other colleague who personally attacked me while I stuck to the topic, never saying anything bad or mean about him personally. But it was no use. He said that I cannot behave like that with my colleagues, it was not acceptable. I had to change and be “softer”. Little did I know that he would use that same tactic against me several times later on, claiming that I was too rough with colleagues, clients, god and his grandma. One time he called and told me he just had a conversation with a client who claimed that they felt like I had run them over and the first thing I did after talking to him was of course to go back in my mind and figure out what I had said or done that had made the client feel that way. I was upset with myself, thinking it was me, that I was the problem. But seeing as I am a grown up who can take responsibility for my actions, I felt the need to apologize to the client so I contacted them and told them I never meant to run them over and that I was sorry about it, that I hope I could make up for it and asked them to just let me know how they would like me to better communicate with them. The response I got baffled me: The client said that they were a bit surprised seeing as they never had claimed that I had run them over… my colleague had either misinterpreted something, or perhaps more accurately, he had lied to me just to put me down once again, just because he couldn’t deal with my no-nonsense approach. Other incidents at that damned place included: me having to take crap from clients due to the lies that the owners had told them and promises that they made (which they knew couldn’t be kept but hey, I was there as a scapegoat when shit hit the fan so, it was fine…); me having to take crap from partner firms due to lies that the owners had told them which I was not allowed to come clean about; me having to deal with them turning into drunken jackasses at every staff party, enduring even more male-macho-boyish talk and behavior, and so on, and so forth.

After the “bulldozer incident” I thought, and still maintain: I would rather be the bulldozer, than being the one run over by it. Especially seeing as I was constantly being run over by my male bosses and colleagues any way: Every time I had an idea that no one wanted to listen to; every time I tried to speak at a meeting and was interrupted; every time I got someone else’s shit thrown at me; every time I worked my arse off and had the best damn results there but instead got negative feedback for being “too hard”, “too tough”, “too opinionated”; every time I was denied a raise even though I deserved one; every time I was assigned the role as some kind of mother/maid, as if I was taking care of children in a god damned kindergarten; every time I was given less resources for my projects, but still had to accomplish the same goals and deadlines, lest I be shamed; every time I was told that I was the problem and had to change my ways; every time I was made the black sheep, the scapegoat, the punching bag. It really didn’t matter how much of a bulldozer I might or might not have been, I was still the one being run over for the most part, and the few times I spoke up about it, well, you can probably figure out how that went. Basically: I was damned if I did, and I was damned if I didn’t.

When I eventually told my boss I was quitting, I couldn’t stop smiling. I was finally free.

But then again: Will I ever be free, will any of us who have experienced this type of discrimination and sexism at work ever be treated as equals, listened to, respected, valued? I firmly believe that as long as the agencies are mostly dominated by males, women will always be in a token position, sticking out like sore thumbs. That is why #sistabriefen is such an important and necessary plea. My experiences are far from the worst that have happened and still happen to women in this industry, I consider myself lucky in a way, but I know also that I have deserved more respect than was given to me. However, when reading some of the horror stories that women have endured, I am shocked, yet not surprised, disgusted, and just at a loss for words. Many stories can be read here (mostly in Swedish though), for those of you interested, for those who perhaps don’t really think this is a “big deal”, for those who want to grasp the vastness of these issues. Read, educate yourself, speak up about it, stop it.

mad men

(funny little tidbit: just got a text from a former colleague (one of the few reasonable men at that place who I felt I could confide in and who confided in me), telling me that everything is chaos right now. Since I left, not that long ago, the project management is basically non-existent, the boss is completely lost, everyone is overburdened, irritated and frustrated. I shouldn’t be happy about this, but I am. It is nice to realize that the space I filled there, the hard work I put in, was in fact crucial and without it, well… That’s their problem, I guess. It’s just sad, typical and unfortunate that some people and especially bosses, do not understand or appreciate the value of their employees, especially when they happen to be female. However, I want to believe in Karma, in some form of justice, and I find the fact that they are struggling without me to be the universe giving me a silent nod: I was not always the problem, I actually did know what the heck I was doing, and why.)

Claiming space: Inconsiderate drunk men in public places

While writing this I am on a train ride home from attending a PhD seminar in Stockholm. Exhausted both physically and mentally. The seminar has been really great, but I am not used to being around 40ish people daily, constantly, while also paying attention and trying to understand what is presented and told, as well as articulate what ever the hell it is that I am doing. But anyway, this is not what I wanted to write about. No, the reason for this post is the fact that I just got to switch my seat because of a man sitting opposite of me, drunk off his arse. So here’s to you, Mr Shitfaced Man:

Cheers for getting on a 3+h train ride after drinking what must have been half a bar,  thus reeking of booze and polluting the air that we are supposed to share in this enclosed metal tube (space claiming: You 1 – Me 0). Cheers for cracking open yet another beer that you so cleverly brought with you on this journey where consuming alcohol is prohibited, seeing as how the 1000 you drank before getting on weren’t enough (You 2 – Me 0). Cheers for burping out loud (You 3 – Me 0). Cheers for scaring away the guy sitting next to me so that I was left alone in your unwanted company (You 4 – Me 0). Cheers for trying to make contact with me for one straight hour, when I had my headphones on, gaze on everything else but you, clearly not in the mood for any interaction (You 5 – Me 0). Cheers for being persistent! Cheers for assuming that I in any way had any desire what so freaking ever to speak to you. Cheers for imposing yourself on my personal space, and taking up more than your share of the table that we, again, are supposed to be sharing (You 6 – Me 0). Cheers for being so darn considerate. Cheers for taking up both seats on your side and falling asleep (You 7 – Me 0), finally not harassing me anymore. Cheers for falling down on the floor right when the train staff came to check tickets, so that I could tell them how uncomfortable I was in your presence and finally get to move way the hell away from you (You 8 – Me accepting defeat). I hope to never see you again, truly. Cheers.

It’s not that I am some sort of moralist who always looks down on people enjoying some alcohol, I would be a hypocrite not acknowledging my own alcohol consumption in public spaces. However, I have never in my life acted like that man was acting just now. Not even remotely close. Never. Sure, at times I have been a bit rowdy on bus or tram rides with friends while going from one bar to another, but those rides lasted around 10-20 minutes on vehicles that constantly (i.e. every 1-2 minutes) are stopping at various stations. Those were rides where the people on them are not stuck with one another for 3+ hours. Where fresh air gets in at every stop. Moreover, I (or my friends and I as a group) have never in a drunk state persistently tried to make contact with another person who ignored every one of my/our attempts. Not once. And what’s perhaps even more interesting: I have never myself experienced this type of behavior from a drunk woman (but surely, it happens too…right?). This was however, not my first encounter with a wasted man trying his darnedest to make contact with me without me wanting to or asking for that kind of harassing behavior. Of course, some might say, everything is not about gender so why even go there? Well, basically, everything is about gender. So that is why I am going there.

Now I know that there are countless studies about alcohol consumption and that men in general consume more alcohol than women (as far as I know), for various reasons. However, I do not really care about the consumption per se, but rather this ignorant, belligerent, inconsiderate, persistent, space claiming, harassing behavior that some men seem to develop as soon as they’ve reached a certain level of drunkenness. I do not want to hear any stupid excuses about alcohol making people dumb or behaving differently, cause guess what: 1. I know, 2. If you become an ass when you drink too much, what about drinking less or not at all? How is it everyone else’s fault that you cannot handle your own alcohol consumption? How about taking some responsibility over the way you act and being considerate of the people around you?

Uh geez, sorry, but this is getting ridiculous. Now another man who I saw in the train bistro drinking a beer a while ago, sitting on the other side of the aisle in the seat behind me has started talking out really crazy loud on his phone while making himself comfortable by taking off his shoes and placing his feet on the empty seat in front of him which happens to be directly to my right. I was wondering what that smell was, and now I know. Cheers for that Mr One of Way Too Many Men With The Same Pattern Of Inconsiderate Rude Space-Claiming Behavior.

I might just take off my boots that I have been wearing all damn day and stick my feet out towards him from my seat. The only problem is that there are people directly behind me who I do not wish to disturb in this inconsiderate way. Should I really have to sink to their levels in order for things to change? In order for them to understand what they are doing? I hope not.

Oh, and now he is drunkenly singing by himself and tapping on the table. How nice of him to share that with the rest of us, even though we never asked him to.